saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Fuck appropriateness.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize