His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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