i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
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after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
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Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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