just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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