It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
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Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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