Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I didn't notice because vodka
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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