please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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