well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
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I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
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Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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