Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
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There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
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Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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