Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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