took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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