Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
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If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
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Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Terrible idea I love it
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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