Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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