You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
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Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
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I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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