i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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