I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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