Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
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