Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
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I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
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I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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