I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
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two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
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I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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