In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
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The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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