this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
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We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
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It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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