The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
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For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
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I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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