I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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