You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
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I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
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Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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