I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
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coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
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