Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
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Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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