My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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