epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
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I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
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His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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