i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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