I'm jealous of your bromance
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
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It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
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Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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