Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
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I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
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You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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