you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
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I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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