I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
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I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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