If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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