You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
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You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
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He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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