Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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