I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I checked into jail on foursquare
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I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
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I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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