My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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