I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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