im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize