Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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