ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
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Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
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We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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