guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
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