Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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