Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
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And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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