dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
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The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
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I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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