i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
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Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
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Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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