i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
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Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
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I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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