I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize