I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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